I always find the artist in me come alive late at night. Early in the morning, in the hours before the sun rises, I find myself. The truth comes out and I try my hardest to capture those moments in song. Every time I feel alive it makes up for the periods in my life of death. The wasted moments and lost opportunities. 

God has been so good to me lately and yet I find myself yelling at him louder – more persistent than ever. I scream at the sky for my way, what I want, what I think is best! He just waits for me to tucker myself out and go quiet from hoarseness before he quietly speaks to me. He has shown me love in the kindest ways lately. Frustrations are solved and worries are soothed, yet I always seem to find a new problem, a new worry. That frustrates me! 

Is happiness possible? I know a fair share of people and not many of them are happy. The secret isn’t money, power, or women…It lays inside man, at his heart. What are the passions of your heart? Are you finding love?

God knows I’m searching. I told him so.

Love,

Ben

We have a new student lounge here at Visible School! Woohoo! It smells like paint fumes but perhaps it is the new best place to write songs? Songwriting is going well! I’m doing well in most of my classes and am working hard every day! Here is a short video of what I do when I’m not working on homework and music! Enjoy!

Hello Everyone! How y’all doing out there? I’m sitting here in the empty school auditorium typing up this entry. It’s been a fun week full of homework assignments and writing and I am quite ready for the weekend to be here. A nice three day weekend full of homework and paper writing! Haha! So far only three classes stand between me and Friday night. Essential Theology (!!), Theory 1 (Yay!), and Fitness (Not yet sure…). 

I’m enjoying my songwriting classes and the constant fellowship I have here with fellow students! It’s so good to be around people that think the same! We all are so weird but at the same time have found a common collective in so being! Crazy, eh?

Quote of the week:

Dear Readers,

What an adventure! How did I find myself here in Memphis, TN all of the sudden? Things happen so quickly in my life! I’m happy about that and yet it left very little (yet ample) time to say goodbye to everyone dear to me back home. God did work in that party at BJ’s house where I got to see pretty much everyone I know so that was really cool! 

Right now it is Saturday and I’m on the tail end of my first week here at Visible School. It’s been a good week full of fun and crazy studying. We have only one class right now but it’s a three hour class that meets every day for two weeks. I believe that call it a “Blitz” class. This week we had three exams and one paper. It’s been intense but I’ve survived so far! 

I’m definitely a little homesick but more for the little things than the large things. I miss going out with Amber for coffee, playing music with Mike and Jeremy, and seeing everybody at Jeremy Kuebler’s house. I don’t miss the crazy loud barking dogs, the loud house, or working full time! Haha! 

I think the sickness of missing home will hurt me harder later on this semester. Things are still sinking in and I haven’t honestly had much time to contemplate what I’ve done. 

Well, tonight is an awesome concert in Memphis! Some folks from here at Visible will be performing and I am siked! There is one band that is hardcore and I’m definitely looking forward to some crazy moshing! Yes!

Until Then, Ever Yours,

Ben

One of the main objectives in my life is to inspire you, my reader, with the vigor and joy of new life. Recently though, I’ve had a very hard time even acting like my life is together. The only reason my life still is together is God. By His mercy alone am I still here. 

However, I need your help too! If you are a Christian, please pray for me! I am going through very new times right now and I could really use your prayer! Here is my list if you have a time to pray for me. 

• College – Guidance/Funds/Transportation
• Car – Mine is literally falling apart and I will need one by May ‘09.
• Guidance for future plans of engagement and marriage!
• Patience
• Unselfishness/Selflessness
• Inspiration
• Devotion
• Faith
• Love
• Hope
• Peace

I just wanted to write a quick update to inform y’all of what’s up! Here’s the lowdown on what I have been doing in the last couple of weeks.

• Working on my application for Visible School (one year certificate program in music) in Memphis, TN. I put together a video audition in one week and just finished my essays and other assignments yesterday! Prayer and funds are needed and if you can help in either way (or both) please contact me! Thanks!
• Working hard at my workplace. It’s on the dl (down low) but I’m working hard and taking tests to stay up to date on current products. It’s hard work pleasing customers!
• Growing in my relationships with my girlfriend Amber, my family, and my friends here in York and abroad. It’s a constant battle not to lose contact with good friends. 
• Working on music. I’ve only written one new song since the beginning of July but it’s a start. I tend to have bursts of inspiration and then long periods of inactivity. 
• Struggling with depression. I get down on myself because I hold myself to very, very high expectations. Expectations so high that I can never reach them – hence my depression at never reaching my goals. I’m learning to set more realistic goals and stick to them.

I’m sitting here at my computer. I’m waiting for something to hit me. Something deep.

Nothing’s coming…

We all have desires. Some good, others not.  Love, affection, coffee, entertainment, and lust are all desires. The scales of each individual desire can range greatly and swing side to side. My desire for love is on the opposite side of the scale from lust.

Could it be said that dreams are desires we doubt?

What is the desire of your heart? My heart seems to alternate between love and lust. It’s this internal struggle I go through every. single. day. For some reason, I doubt that I am the only one going through this. How many of you struggle with the fight inside? That yearning for something deeper that we spend our tiny lives searching for?

What if I told you I had the secret. Would you doubt me? I would if I was you! That one step you would take to believe me would be called “faith”.  Only after you have faith can you believe. It’s a simple yet intricatly complex design.

Here’s the breakdown. Faith // Belief // Trust. Have faith to believe. After belief, trust. Hope. Live.

I challenge you to put everything you know to the test. Truth can be found.

Ben

Random thought…I wonder what I would do if Jesus came to hang out for a day? What would we do? If we watched a movie (as my friends and I almost always end up doing when we don’t know what to do) what movie would we watch? Would I feel bad if somebody swore in the movie using his Dad’s name?

Maybe we’d end up at a coffee shop. I wonder what Jesus drinks? Is he more of a Cafe Au Lait kind of guy or a hard shooting espresso dude? Do you think Jesus would ever drink Mountain Dew and act silly? Would Jesus rock out in a mosh pit with me at a show? Would he be screamo hard core or would he shake his head disapprovingly?

We are officially in the studio recording our demo! Last night was our first night and we saw about four guitar tracks get laid down. Tonight should hopefully finish the guitar tracking and start the drums. Things are going well but we would definitely appreciate it if you guys would still keep praying for us! Thanks!

I’m running! Have a goodnight everyone!

Ben

I love being awake at midnight! These long hours feel like they have so much potential to be something great! The artist in me tends to wake up late at night. Maybe it’s just that I forget the worries of everyday life or maybe it’s just a mental attitude, but whatever it is I love being up in the early hours! Being able to look out on a city filled with humanity at sleep is just an amazing experience that most people miss out on during their lifetime!

I’m eating cold fettuccine and I’m loving it! I’m loving everything! It seems that at this moment, even though everything could go wrong, I’m content to be here at my desk, typing to you (my invisible reader) and eating cold fettuccine.

I think what I’m feeling is hope. Hope that life wasn’t meant to be lived suppressed, stuck in depression, and indecisive. Life is so huge! Do you even begin to realize how many people are here living their lives besides you? The same thoughts through your mind echo throughout the nations in many different colors and forms. The diversity of life is so amazing! At this moment, there is someone in your hometown who is being born, growing up, falling in love, and moving closer to death. Eventually, death overtakes every one of us. Even though life matters so much, do you know what is going to happen for the eternity after your life ends? Where are you going and what is going to happen to the part of you that remains? What is going to happen to your eternal soul?

Life is so amazing, please don’t miss out! I think that the San Diego, CA band Switchfoot summed things up about life in their song entitled This is Your Life.

Yesterday is a wrinkle on your forehead
Yesterday is a promise that you’ve broken
don’t close your eyes, don’t close your eyes
This is your life and today is all you’ve got now
Yeah, and today is all you’ll ever have
don’t close your eyes
don’t close your eyes

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
when the world was younger and you had everything to lose